LIVINGBLOSSOMS

To all fellow Muslims, have a wonderful raya haji..

I hate to apologize for my long absence, because I did that in the last two posts. but I am sorry anyway for the long abandonment. The same boring old reason, no time. and when i do have time, I have no idea what to write. I'd like to write about painting my room but it'll probably bore any remaining reader to tears.I'd also like to write about the remaining days of my Korea trip, but mcm dah 'basi'.haha.I'd like to write about movie reviews and song lyrics. And I'd absolutely love to write about politics and current issues.

When I read other friends' blogs, I envy that they have time to go out and enjoy themselves. I'm so damn jealous that they can meet up friends and read story books and go shopping. they have time to enjoy life with the people they love. Then I'd get really depressed because my life has revolved around work, work and more work.

The truth is, there's something seriously wrong in the puzzle called my life right now-I am not happy. What is happiness anyway? Literally, one defines it as contentment or joy. So, what brings me joy? Doing the things I love to do: reading, shopping, swimming, watching movies, even studying and doing research (yupp, so eewww right?!)..Then, what makes me content? Spending time with my friends and family etc. 

The point is, my life right now, does not allow me happiness. My day begins at 7 in the morning, leaving home before the sun rises, and ends up at night, typically at 8 or 9 p.m. After that, I'm so mentally exhausted that the bed is all I can think about. 5 days a week, four weeks a month. And after 2 months of working, they give me work to do on weekends too.Weekends, where most people are out enjoying themselves, I'm in front of the desktop, doing work. but I was still ok. i mean, its all worth it for the experience I'd get...

Work. You must do the best that you can. Expectation is extremely high and mistakes are not acceptable. The bosses and seniors seem to be on an invisible pedestal, commanding and directing the flow of work to be done. Untouchable and unapproachable. Its not anything new, its probably worst in the private sector. I know from my friends that chambering is worse. I know, but due to this 'work', I'm losing touch with all my friends. My interaction with my family is limited to only a couple of hours each week. And it was still ok you know. I was learning and gaining a wealth of experience and knowledge. "I was practicing international law" I kept on telling myself. "People have it worse outside" was the mantra.

The straw that finally broke the camel's back, so to say, is when I was issued a 'love-letter' by the employer, punishing me for not clocking in for 1 day in September. I had gone for a meeting, under 'their' own direct orders, in KL you see, and DIDN'T know that you had to write it down on the punch-card as it was my FIRST meeting outside. Not only was my justification rejected, but I was scolded by them (harshly I might add). Scolded!!!!

So here I was, going home late (sometimes 12 midnight ok!), doing my job when all others have gone back home. I was given thrice the amount of work other colleagues were given due to the high expectations thingy, but I did it all. Nearly killing myself to churn up perfect or near-perfect results, sacrificing countless lunch hours and sleep. And did they see all that? No!what they saw is that I didn't clock-in for work one damn day. Did they think that before they issued the 'love-letter' (I prefer to call it that rather than its real ugly name- 'SHOW CAUSE LETTER') that could potentially mar my future career? NO! Did they think to ask me WHY I didn't clock-in? NO! Of course they didn't. And thus, at that moment, the voice within me died a quick death. After nearly 6 months on the job, the motivating voice inside me has gone silent. The same voice that kept me going during the toughest times in my life previously, has gone.

The point of all these ramblings is to say that I've had enough! there will be some BIG changes soon. I'm going to do something that I should have done a long time ago, something I've been dreaming about since I was a kid. Because at the end of the day, I think we all have to ask these questions as a reminder of what we want in our lives: Is it worth it? Am I happy?. For me, it is not worth it. I have tried my very best and I have gained a lot, yes, but its not worth sacrificing my life and happiness.